Stop Attracting Losers!

Written by on June 27, 2012 in Relationships - No comments | Print this page

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Do you keep wondering why you have such bad luck with men?  Have you become a misandrist because you believe all of them lie and cheat and that they are genetically programmed to treat women poorly?

Realize that the common denominator in all these horrendous relationships is none other than you.  By understanding the role you have in picking them, you are on your way to stop attracting losers.  No, not everyone of the opposite sex is scum like the way you think.

He verbally/physically abuses you, infidelity is a sport to him, he can’t hold down a job, lies all the time, he has a sense of entitlement, and is in love with himself.  Does that sound familiar?

Pat yourself on the back for reading this because that means you want to start being happy again.  Luckily, we live in a free country so that means we have the right to choose and make our own decisions.  It is your responsibility to yourself to want to be happy and take ownership for all your future choices.

Here are a few basic steps that you can take:

1)      Would you date yourself?  What condition are you in right now?  Your current condition drives the choices that you make.  If you aren’t happy with where your life is, what makes you think you can be one-half of a satisfying relationship?  Invest in yourself more and perhaps you may feel independent enough to not need some other person to be the sole determinant of your happiness.

2)      Reveal you history.  They don’t call it “daddy issue” for no reason.  Perhaps you have some unfinished attachment business.  It has been said that the parent you feel the least loved by is the one you search for in your primary relationship.  Come to terms with the fact that you may have these issues and consciously think of a way to not let your past relationships with your parent get in the way of your present happiness.

3)      Acknowledge that you have an unhealthy relationship.  And know that it is NOT normal. It is time for a change.  If he doesn’t reach a compromise with you, then know that you do have a choice to leave.  If abusive relationships are all you know, then now is the chance to learn how to love and be loved properly.

4)      Stop losing yourself in relationships.  You might endure immeasurable amounts of pain in order to not be alone.  Being alone and being lonely are two different things.  What comes up when you feel lonely?  Possibly fear.  If you don’t think you are complete without a significant other, then you might feel like you can never be alone.

5)      Recognize your impasse.  Are you a people pleaser, have low confidence, not in touch with your own needs, and avoid conflicts?  What is stopping you from being in a fulfilling relationship?  If you think you rather be in an unhappy relationship than to be alone or that no one else is going to want you, you might want to do some re-evaluating and find some ways to gain back confidence.  If you allow him/her to disrespect you, then you aren’t respecting yourself either.  Take up a new hobby or interest like maybe running a marathon.  Take the focus away from him and focus on yourself.

6)      Go for someone who “isn’t your type.”  “Your type”  hasn’t been making you happy thus far.  Perhaps you can be more flexible in your checklist of what you want in a partner and surprise yourself with who you meet. Give a “not-my-type” person a chance instead of following strict criteria.

7)      Stop blaming yourself for his transgressions.  Perhaps that feeling of a failed relationship doesn’t sit well with you.  You keep thinking you could have done more.  He makes you feel very not special, so maybe you aren’t that special and you must be a bad person.  Snap out of it!!!  No one should be taking responsibility for his actions except himself.  Do you really think his cheating behind is losing sleep over why the relationship failed as much as you are?  If he cared that much about the relationship, he would have worked on it more with you.

8)   So what if you spent 5 years, a decade or longer with him?  Yes, that is a lot of time invested in one person to just lose it all.  Five years with that person is insignificant compared to a lifetime of unhappiness if you stay with him and he doesn’t care that he is hurting you.

If you still want to stick with him/her, then I am convinced you love being miserable.

If you challenge your long-held beliefs of what a relationship constitutes, you might find that satisfying, life-long partnership after all.

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About the Author

M. Yu

M. Yu is a single, working professional who lives in New York City. She has eclectic interests, ranging from cancer research (her day job) to traveling to writing for the Relationship Category on QLR. She has an active dating life and views every life experience as a learning lesson. View all posts about healthy relationships.